Jesus has a Bad Week.

Ned Flander's in front of his Holy Land Theme Park.
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It’'s been a rough week for Jesus. 189 new mindless megachurches opened across America (some of them in shopping malls), His Holiness died in Rome, people continue to ignore His commandments about not hating, killing and judging each other, and now this, the announcement that some Ditz in the UK is going to open “Holyland” a Biblical theme park. (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1544218,00.html).

An excerpt from the London Tines:

The complex would offer visitors the chance to slide down the Tower of Babel before climbing aboard Noah’s Ark, parting the Red Sea and felling Goliath with a laser-guided slingshot.

Before leaving Ark Alive, billed as the place “where Disney meets the Bible”, children would also have the experience of expulsion from the Garden of Eden, being swallowed by a whale, escaping from a lion’s den and walking on water.

Ignoring God’s promise that he would never need another Ark, the developer plans to house the whole park in a gigantic spanking new four-story high Ark. The developer has insisted it is a vision from God. Now she just needs a gazillion of God’s Faithful to cough up the bucks, er pounds, to make it happen.

The reason for her ire is a lack of biblical or religious education in Britain. Apparently, “only 48 per cent of Britons knew that Easter was a celebration of the Resurrection, while 64 per cent had no idea that Rowan Williams was the Archbishop of Canterbury. “

According to WCJ sources the study went on to reveal even more disturbing news…that 33 percent of all Britons believe Easter is a celebration of the Canterbury Bunny, and that Rowan Atkinson is the Archbishop of Cadbury.

The developer cited the existence of a Christian theme park in America “The Holy Land Experience in Orlando, Florida, where tourists eat ice creams on the Via Dolorosa as Jesus, played by an actor, is kicked and spat upon by Roman soldiers before being ‘nailed’ to a cross that is raised by a hydraulic motor.”

And Jesus never stops throwing up.

Well, Jesus wants this done right if it’s gonna be done in His name. So the fix is in to add a few more attractions to make this “biblical” theme park truly authentic and relevant.

So, after being expelled from the re-fashioned Garden of Eden, sibling rivals will be encouraged to re-enact the offerings and actions of Cain and Abel (of course using holographic imaging for the death blow that one of the siblings will administer to their sibling (s). The chosen child will then receive a washable “Mark of Cain” tattoo to be proudly displayed on their forehead the rest of the day.

For children over 18, the David and Bathsheba ride will take them through the true realities of love and lust, including a steamy, but tastefully done, sex scene and then watch Uriah the Hittite (played by a Scotsman for cultural relevance) being left alone in battle with his last words echoing in their brains… “"Freedom!”" then "“Uh-oh. I’m fooked!”"

In the “Mysteries of the Bible” area there will be a tribute to the Parbar mentioned in 1 Chronicles 26. Since no one knows what the hell a Parbar is, there will be a simple cloaked area that says “Parbar Coming Soon”.

Dave Paisley, over at the Disaster Area blog, suggested a ride or event that would come from Judges 19, where a concubine is raped all night long and then her master cuts her into pieces in the morning and sends them all over Israel. That’d pack in the horror buffs, and would be sponsored by Federal Express Europe.

Then, let’s not forget the events of Holy Week. New Believer’s first coming to the theme park will get their first chance to deny Jesus on several occasions as they are questioned about their new beliefs. Lucky participants can dress up and participate in the ritual stoning of Stephen, and the top attraction will be a robotics exhibit of Judas hanging himself and his bowels gushing out.

Ew!

And let’s not forget the “Outta Sight…Outta Mind” Ascension of Jesus events every 35 minutes.

A food bazaar area will offer authentic biblical cuisine. Gall shakes , locusts draped in honey on a stick (like the infamous “crunchy frog”), unleavened bread and multiplying fish-sticks will add to the authenticity of the experience and served in a white-washed sepulcher box filled with Brood of Viper fries. Of course malt vinegar is included in typical British style.

In the Holyland theme park store you can purchase a myriad of crosses, decorative Shroud of Turin replicas and throw pillows, and action character sets like the Jonah and Whale Upchuck set, Woman Caught in Adultery set, and the Angel Healing Portico Set with timing bell.

As participants are leaving the park after a full day of biblical fun, they have to exit one of seven doors which lead to a common area where they will be greeted by the luminous angel of each of the churches mentioned in the Book of Revelation. Prizes or punishments will be handed out accordingly. Some will be gently "spewed out", but for the few who make it all the way, they will ride the boats to freedom down the “River of Life” and eat of the Tree of Life as they exit the Giant theme ark.

And Jesus never stops throwing up.